Shit happens

So a lot of shit has happened ranging from putting my daughter in to alternative school for the rest of the 8th grade year to a huge blow out fight with Doug.

As a drill sergeant from basic once told me after dislocating my shoulder the first time, "Suck it up buttercup because you gotta embrace the suck". I've done my fair share of embracing the civilian suck for the past couple of months and keeping everything locked away never to utter a word.

Shit happens in life we may not want to deal with and may not want to ever happen. However instead of getting all pissy about shit and feeling sorry for myself all the damn time or wondering where I went wrong I instead have decided to embrace the civilian suck, pick myself up by my boot straps and carry on. 

I'll survive this shit storm as well just like everything else that gets thrown my way. And I will come out the other side stronger and better because of these situations. And for everyone who took the liberty of kicking me while I'm down, I'm on my way back up and no one's going to like it because the storm you thought you knew is changing and changing for the better. 

Friday and a long weekend what!?!

Its Friday once again and a long weekend because of independence day. During this weekend I urge all of you out there to RED (Remember Everyone Deployed) and if you see/know a service member or veteran don't forget to thank them. Its not all about beer and barbecues. Don't get me wrong me and my family will have plenty of beer,barbecues and fireworks and lots of fun but we also thank our vets and current members because without them we wouldn't have the opportunity to do so.

Help!!!!

Eathan is 6 yo and has started throwing temper tantrums like he's Jacobs age which is 2 yo. Eathan is the middle child so I'm not really sure if this is part if that middle child syndrome I've heard about or just another phase but I'm at the end of my patience rope. Especially now that he's throwing toys and slamming his bedroom door. I've tried everything and now I'm asking for help or any new ideas to try out.

Motivation Thursday

So most people need motivation on a Monday to begin their work week, I needed mine today.

Get knocked down 7 times get up 8.

Started another blog

A couple weeks ago I made the decision to get fit and healthy again. So iI also decided to make another blog for just that journey. Who knows maybe I'll inspire someone else and meet people who can inspire and help me as well. So if you want to check it out you can here: www.mybacktohealthyjourney.blogspot.com

RED Friday and some thoughts

Today is Friday which makes it RED Friday. RED Friday is for our service men and women who are still deployed but are definitely not forgotten. Until they all come home we will remember and pray for them. We as a nation should stand behind the people who make it possible for us to have our freedoms. We should also work to ensure that the services they need when they come home are more readily available to them because they deserve to be treated better.

I went MIA yesterday due to feeling like a burden and not wanting to bother anyone. Outside of my family I talk to 2 people and I feel like those 2 people are tired of talking to me. So since I'm going thru some shit I decided to hermit myself into my house away from everyone except my kids. Its not like they exactly missed talking to me anyways. Sometimes I wonder if I walked off the planet how long it would take anyone to notice I was gone. 

But that's all I have for now. I hope yall enjoy your weekend! 

Anxiety

Yesterday I shared how I'd been having some small anxiety attacks and had a much larger one at work and how I use music to cope. A couple people asked me about different kinds of anxiety attacks. Yes there are people who have anxiety attacks where they are crying and also might rock back and forth either separately or at the same time. There's mine where I tend to just shut down and appear zoned out. There's ones where the person just stop talking. What I'm saying is no ones is the same but all should be taken seriously. 

I have had it pointed out to me that when I'm particularly anxious about something I'll bite my nails and pick at my lips. I've been so anxious before that I've picked my lips til they bled. Its not a good thing and doesn't look particularly attractive either.

There are different coping skills for everyone the key is to just find yours. And to remember that just because you have anxiety or anything else you are still a great person with so much to offer the world.

Why music is important to me

Not many people know this about me but for about the past 6 years I've had depression and anxiety. Its not everyday and can be totally random. I could be having fun doing something and then bam anxiety attack or I'll just wake up depressed with no reason as to why. 

I've tried meds, they make me a zombie. I've tried natural remedies and that was one of the reasons I started this blog in the first place. What I have found that works for me is music. I love music whether it be just listening, playing (I play the violin) or watching videos. Music makes me feel and makes me happy.

Music especially helps since not all my anxiety attacks are "classic" looking. I usually don't rock back and forth or cry. Most of the time I'll just stare blankly in space. Luckily I've only had one this year so far but it was out of the blue while I was at work and knocked me on my ass. One minute I was walking out of a residents room the next I couldn't breathe, was sitting on the floor, staring off into god knows what and uncontrollably crying. I've only cried during 2 other attacks. 

I listen to all types of music. Mostly country but everything else as well. Here are some YouTube suggestions and the ones I use when I get "that feeling". Thomas Rhett, Brantley Gilbert, Jacob John, Sam Hunt, Imagine Dragons, Meghan Trainor, Pink, Eminem, John Mellancamp, Keith Urban, Miranda Lambert, Sugar land or Jennifer Nettles, Florida Georgia Line, Brett Eldridge, D.N.C.E, Skrizzly Adams.

I hope this helps someone else out there and if anyone ever has any questions or needs someone to talk to I'm always here. 

Ruts v. Routines

We all have normal routines we do. Up in the morning, dress for work, get the kids up and ready for school, go to work etc. Eventually though those everyday routines turn into ruts and then you get bored, frustrated and snippy or at least I do. 

I hate the feeling of being in a rut. It grates on my nerves and I never seem to be able to just see iI'm in a rut and just change things up a bit. Instead I keep the pattern and get mad about it.

That is all changing now. Now that I know the signs of "rutting" I'm going to start doing things to stop it before it gets out of hand. Like tomorrow I am going to add a workout routine of some sort to my day to shake it up. 

Kinda feeling better already.

Road to finding me

We all tend to lose some of what makes us, well us.  I feel like I lost all of me most days being caught up in the 2 major roles of my life; mom and wife. 

We all had those things we liked to do and the causes we would do anything to support. For me it was reading, writing here, NF awareness, setting up charity events for NF and anything military/vet related. 

I started reading again about a year ago, started writing on here again this week, adopted a soldier this month and am thinking how I can get reinvolved in some other things.

Don't get me wrong I love my kids and family more than life itself but we all need things to do outside of them, otherwise eventually you'll just get lost, which is where I'm at.

Roles

We all have our roles to play in life. I've been Mom for 12 years, which is the most important and also challenging role. I've been wife for almost 5 years the other important role and one I usually mess up. Then there's the role you play at work, for the past 6 years for me that was nurse; now I'm not sure.

Other roles I have: daughter (messed up on that a few times as well), friend (I'm there when they need me but I have the worst response times when it comes to texting), musician (I play violin, actually reteaching myself after a very long time of not playing).

Amidst all these things I feel lost. I'm not sure what makes me well me anymore. I have ideas of what I like and would like to do but I don't feel like me. It's hard to explain and even harder to put into words. I'm just...lost.

Life plans....

Anyone else make a plan for their life only to have it fall apart and have to alter it to fit? That's where I'm at once again at the age of 33. My original life plan fell apart at age 19 and I had to start over again, since I was 12 I knew I was going into the military and I was going to retire at the age of 37 after doing my 20 years of service. I joined the Army, was in when 9/11 happened (stationed in VA) but had tore up my shoulder so I ended up being medboarded at age 19 after only 2 years of active service (4 years altogether because of DEP).

So at 19 I came home and redid it. I didn't plan on being pregnant barely a year later. During this time I readjusted. None of my Army skills seemed to translate into civilian life so I got a job as a waitress and then as a stocker at a grocery store (where I would meet my daughters sperm donor). At 20 I had my daughter and when she was 6 weeks old left her father who has had nothing to do with her since she was 2 and she's about to be 13 in June. When she was 6 months old I was told she had neurofibromatosis type 2 (at 9 after a trip to the NF clinic in Boston found she was misdiagnosed and actually had Neurofibromatosis Type 1). At this point I was still waitressing and bartending while my dad would babysit for me and my daughter basically lived with him because of all the hours I needed to work to pay bills. After I was in a car accident that nearly took my life 3 times and left me with a fractured neck,broken L1-L5 and a damaged liver among other things me and my dad had a long discussion about my life plan as I was sinking doing wht I was doing. There are other things that happened during these 3 years but I'm not going into detail on everything.

Fast forward a few years and in 2008 I moved up to NY to be near my family and forge a new relationship with my mom (that relationship is still going good today). I got a job as a CNA at a nursing home (yeah I got my CNA license as part of that redone life plan discussion with my dad)  and met my now husband there. Him and my dad encourged me to go to the LPN program and further my life plan that way. So I started the program in 2009 and graduated in 2010 7 weeks after having our first son. We got married in 2011 and moved back down to SC in 2013 (yes I'm skipping some things).

Fast forward to now and why I'm redoing my life plan. I've been a nurse for almost 6 years and never had any doubts about my abilities or skills as a nurse, that is until my current  employer instilled those doubts in me. Now I'm sending out my resume to other healthcare jobs but also looking into other avenues as I'm having doubts about myself so i think I might have to redo my plan in order to make it work and be able to support my family, afterall we did add that third and final child (a boy :-) ) in March 2014. 

its been awhile....

I know I've been gone for a really long time and I'm now basically having to start all over, which is fine because I started doing this for me anyways. A lot has changed since I was last on here and I'm not going to go into all those details. I will say that all my posts after this will be daily and I welcome any and all feedback from anyone who may stumble across my little blog and take a notion to read it.